that old feeling

It almost feels like it’s to be understood that I am going to have severe doubts as to my skills as an artist. I want to be a painter, I don’t know why I feel so strongly about this but it’s a want that is very near to my heart. The problem is that I don’t feel I have grown any as a painter and I just intensely loathe the fruits of my labors. Anytime, you can feel yourself crashing against a glass ceiling it’s frustrating. I have ambition, and the desire to do other things, and I had resisted playing to my known strengths, being that am I a far more capable draftsman than I am painter.

             I like rendering things in paint, I like its smells, its textures, and the way it feels to hold a brush in hand and move pigment into something concrete. When it works, the feeling of satisfaction is indescribable; but that elation is something that has become more infrequent. My frustration grows, because I don’t feel comfortable with colour and its application and I have grown exhausted with the sameness of my work. Hitting that wall where ambition meets reality has been something that I have had difficulty accepting, because I have bought into the idea that with hard work and perseverance improvements could be made. A combination of lethargy and incompetence has proven that idea to amiss but with great reluctance I decided to start something that I know I could successfully knock out of the park. I decided to start a drawing of my mother, it was something I had planned to do at some vague point in the future; but circumstances and the need to boost my self esteem forced my hand. Despite my misgivings, I really like the work so far, to the point where I started thinking that my girlfriend was right. Right about my need to focus on my drawing and apply to graduate school based on my strengths. I sent a picture of the work in progress to a teacher whose opinion I greatly respect. Her words were a nice little bit of encouragement that I needed. All dreams are worth following until they are aren't worth following.... You have a passion and the drive to pursue it. You've grown so much and that is all that really counts. I can't wait to see what you do next.

                     I’ve been thinking about Grad school, and I wonder if it is still a dream I should follow. I’m going to be married soon, and there are some tremendous life changes that are going to go along with it. Is it selfish of me to want to pursue my dreams, especially now that I have familial responsibilities? I want to believe that it is no, because I would be setting the example for my potential children that dreams are worth following and adversity is just a speed bump. For the first time in my life, I think I feel optimistic about the future of my life and I feel good about the direction my art is taking. Here’s hoping it lasts.