So I am getting married. I have to admit that I never really saw myself getting married, I’d seen my parents’ divorce when I was a kid and devolved a sort of intense pessimism about relationships and that is they end. I think that emotional trauma stayed with me, because I could never really see the point of being in a relationship because they will inevitably end. I also didn’t want to have that stigma of failure cling to me due to a failed marriage. Ideally the promises we make should be more than just ethereal words; with marriage being a concept that should be lasting, dare I say eternal. Marriage, though, like love, was something I always thought would be out of my reach, something denied to me.
I think I have had plenty of misconceptions about relationships and I would be a fool and liar if I said I wasn’t worried. I know what it’s like to see one’s parents’ divorce and I don’t want any of my kids to go through that. I just want to give a sense of family and belonging that proved to be elusive when I was a wee speck of a child.
I worry because I am afraid that I could screw it all up, but I really feel hopefull ish about the future. I’m about to marry a person that I love, who makes me feel happy. She makes me feel like I am beautiful when she looks at me, and when I hold her in my arms I feel at peace with the world. I love her voice, I love her eyes and smiles, I love the way she laughs, and I love the way her touch feels across my body. I want to love her until the last breath leaves my body. I’m hesitant to make such declarations because I am afraid I will jynx myself. I found someone. I found someone who I can see myself building a future with, and I want to share that with people.
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