I have been thinking about the last post I wrote, I don’t necessarily know why I felt compelled to write that but I have been mulling it over for a while. I guess it was a moment of clarity as they say and I guess I could no longer just skirt the issue like I had been doing for years. I understand the reasons now, through the magic of psychology why I made certain decisions in my life, and maybe I have the tools to sufficiently deal with the fallout from those choices. Real change, as it turns out is terrible because it forces an intimate confrontation with ones past and as it turns out I rather like avoiding such unpleasantries. There was always a nagging doubt, and I think people like to have a villain to blame things on, but it is a total disheartening process when the illusions we have built up come shattering down.
It would be to easy to say all my problems come from an alcoholic father, having responsibility shoved down my throat at an early age, being made to feel like I don’t matter, allowing myself to be walked all over, the list could go on, but, the point is those things didn’t make any decisions, I did. That is what is so hard to grasp, and why I understand why people avoid the truth because the next question isn’t why; I understand the why, but what next. Am I going to be forever defined by the failures of youth or can I break free from myself and still become golden. I remember being 21 sitting at some presentation for SCAD and something in the back of my mind said I could do this. I never had faith in myself which makes such a belief all the more surprising and I just had a total belief in myself that this dream was possible. I asked my teachers to help me with my portfolio, diligently worked on my essays, and hoped for the best. It came as a huge surprise when I got accepted, I just felt like the world was open with unending possibilities. I visited the campus even and at some point felt I wasn’t going to do it.
All of our lives lead to something, every kindness, hurtful word, every laugh, smile, informs us in some way. For good or ill we are marked by the toll others place on our lives. Maybe it was always going to be this way, maybe I would find myself working as an office jokey no matter what degree I chose to get. I don’t want to play games of if only, because it’s a fairly stupid mental exercise but I think if I did go I would have been happy on some level because I followed my dream. I said it was soul crushing, when one gives up on their dreams, and the worst part for me is that all those people who helped me get to that point were let down. Maybe, the results are inconsequential to them, life happens and things change, and maybe I care about things to much but I there was a time when going to scad was all I wanted from this world, I had it within my grasp and just quit. I care, because it feels like my lasting legacy is going to be failure and I don’t want that anymore. I want to redeem myself, but the real question becomes what is redemption. I wish I was stronger when I was in my youth, I wish I could call up the 23 year old version of myself and tell him that the unknown isn’t as scary as envisioned.
All I have right now are the lessons learned from being self destructive. It’s not the most comforting of things but it’s a start. I know I want to fight harder for what little crumbs come my way, I know what I want from life and have the conviction to make the hard choices, and I know how ever improbable I want to go to grad school. I've listened to people in my life say they are to old for school or following the dreams, I have no illusions about my age and I fear that the window for change is rapidly closing but I still want to make the effort if only to say I followed through on something. I have felt such sadness stemming from this stupid decision, I stopped having dreams, I spiraled into a even darker place, and as I have spent the last couple of months addressing my depression with someone I have started to see positive changes in my life. I’m starting to dream again, I’ve found someone I love, and I feel sort of at peace with myself; it’s all very strange territory for me to be in, but is maybe the first time I have thought that the long winter is over.
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