a broken record

I’ve been focused on self improvement, mostly the mental aspects but there is no real way to gauge the progress. I don’t feel like shit every day, I don’t go to sleep at 7pm because I am bored anymore, I don’t find the need to contently masturbate; because now I can do other things with my time, I don’t feel as worn down by life.
Except this week I have been wondering, what’s the point? Yes it is great to have some energy, but if you don’t have anyone to share it with why bother trying to feel good. I’m not trying to say that my personal happiness is dependent upon other people, but I’m taking a look at the bigger picture and wondering when that big empty space is going to be filled. I’ve discovered that being sad is almost like an addiction, it’s something I am used to and the constraints are comfortable. I have no idea how to be happy, I have no road map or examples, and I am feeling totally out of my element. I don’t want my element to be playing video games in the dark on a Friday night, I have fallen into that grove for so long; but the alternative-meeting people, being youngish scares the shit out of me. I freeze up with dread just at the thought of going out. I went to a club once with some friends at the height of my hippiedom, long shoulder length hair, wild untamed beard and I was dressed to impress in a vest jacket combo from the good people of Perry Ellis. Some drunkish woman picked me out of the corner and demanded that I dance with her, I protested but went out and did something which I find stupid which is dance, then quickly ran into the corner and drank coke the rest of the night.
I don’t know why making any kind of connection seems so frightening, but I have built it up to this giant thing, and feel like life has passed me by in the process. My friends are moving on, some have kids or are in the process and I’m still dancing with myself. Maybe there is no instant cure for a black dog like I was hoping; my expectations were too much I suspect but this week I really have felt like the weight of things for the first time in a while. That could be progress but I get the feel that it’s really quite regressive.