Age of consent

I’m taking some time off, not from work because I hate doing that, but from dating. I have realized that in lieu of doing any actual self reflection about myself in the context of a relationship that I plow ahead and for the most part ignore any lessons that I could have learned. On some level this seems incredibly stupid, but I think the major drive for me has been to avoid being alone then finding anything emotionally fulfilling. I am slowly wising up and realizing that I don’t need to date people who are only going to make me feel worse about myself and that even I deserve to find someone who will make me happy. I can blame depression for some of this, because in some ways I am attracted to horrific ice queens and when things inevitable go tits up I can then blame myself and go into a spiral of pronounced inadequacies. I’m not saying every person I have dated is a bit of a cunt, there have been some truly wonderful people who have graced my life but mostly those are the exceptions. I think I have reached the point in my life where neurotic self absorbed assholes that possess fading beauty and charm no longer hold any appeal to me, I can and do deserve better. I want someone I can share this journey with, that want something is a concrete want rather than the indeterminate wants that usually define me; and it seems very unreal to be able to define what I need to have in my life. Am I unfocused and lazy, yes, but I am tired of that and I guess as sucky as adulthood is I am ready to find someone who can appreciate me for me; and at the same time I want to appreciate someone for who they are not just be with them because the other alternatives seem grim. I am realizing that I have a value as a person and that it’s not necessarily a bad thing to recognize that fact. I’m sick of dating; I’m sick of the uncomfort that comes from exposing all the vulnerabilities that a make up my person, but dating is about all those things; and I just have loads of impatientance and want something now. I was talking with a friend of mine about that, and he told me the worst thing a person can do is say I’m not good enough for somebody, that the problem is me. Clichéd maybe, but to get to his happiness he had to endure a truly horrific experience. Maybe I have said that thing to myself far too often, but giving up has been too easy and thus the cunty women I have dated when at that low ebb. I should fight for me, because I have a lot to offer aside from a fierce looking sexual organ and height. I have other emotional type things that I don’t want to get into because god forbid if I admit to having the capacity for emotional thought and growth, but on top of those things I have a fierce looking sexual organ and height. My friend, fought like I said fought to be where he is at today. He had an engagement broke off a few weeks before the wedding, and then spent five years putting himself out there until he found that mythical right one. I don’t necessarily believe that there is the right one, but personal growth and reward is an often arduous unrewarding task in the short term sense of the word. I am trying to shed off the last vestiges of a stupid, stupid, misspent youth and actually grow in a positive way as a human being. Whatever happens, good or ill, happens at its own pace and I need to sometimes slow down and catch my breath. While I’d rather not wait there is more virtue in doing so in this instance, and I have my game boy to keep me company in the interim.