..Open your arms..

Dearest B_____,
The cruelest creatures in the entirety of creation are without doubt women, when the ivory fangs of a beast crush down upon your windpipe and squeeze out your existence it is not acting out of malice but out of instinct; but when a woman cleaves your heart in twine and makes ruin of your world the most harden admires of Darwin would still be incapable of describing these actions as an evolutionary response. The attempt to find companionship is starting to feel like a Sisyphean task and I now wonder why I am continuing to engage in the apparently ineffective act of finding love; it’s a task borne of inescapable failure and brief moments of bliss; and the failure is becoming to monstrous to comprehend. I do hate to sound like that sorrowful character Goethe wrote about but I certainly feel strongly flummoxed by my inability to have my affection reciprocated. B_______, I assure you that the insurmountable failure I am encountering is not for lack of effort on my part, but how I wish to be a libertine like my beloved brother T___. I feel split between admiration and frustration when I watch T___ flash a smile and suddenly have a beauteous lass dote on every word and exploit that escapes his mouth. I these troubles to myself and I do apologize for appearing to be overwhelmed by this black cloud, but perhaps I have put to much thought towards these particular troubles. Your patience dear friend has been invaluable and I do take your advice to heart, but it seems impossible sometimes to see through this perpetual fog, and the glories I have encountered seem so diminished. I have encountered such glories; modesty, I am afraid, prevents me from expanding any further but believe me that those pithy moments make the coldness of this world seem bearable. I selfishly wish that I could bind the blinding seconds of my heart and let them linger forever, who would want to ever forget a rain soaked kiss.
Last summer I met a young woman; Miss A. by chance in the park wearing a white dress she appeared like an angel out of this filthy mess, short in summit (but of course, dear friend, everyone seems a dwarf when compared to my colossal stature) the conversation was pleasant and I was struck by how much her skin resembled the rich colour of honey, and I felt such lightness while exchanging what could be consider banal pleasantries. After many winsome glances we had promised to meet again the next Saturday; perhaps, I was to forward with my affections, but my heart fluttered uncontrollably as she let me delicately plant a kiss atop the top of her brow. I looked back to briefly to watch her slink back into the fading light of summer and I knowingly smiled as I walked away. The next Saturday we had agreed to meet at the opening of a new Salon, I had heard, unfounded of course that spectacular work of art would be adorning the salon’s wall; and as a lover of both art and women felt this was clearly some sign from above. My optimism, it seems was once again unfounded as I saw this creature slowly arrive. She was again shrouded in purest white, a purple lily sprouting from behind her ear; I had begun to harbor in my heart a most fragile hope but when I saw the company she brought with her I knew that my great hope would not be satisfied. Sulking behind her was her older sister, emaciated and bedraggled in appearance. Her eyes were like two diminutive opal stones set amongst a sea of darkness, white spittle frothed at the sides her mouth slowly descending down her face, and she looked as if her faculty was touched by an incurable affliction. I hid my immense disappointment, as any proper man, should and was thanked by Miss A. for my patience and understanding, fresh air she said was good for her sister’s condition. Apparently the poor girl’s family was having some difficulty with procuring funds for the sanatorium and Miss A. felt familial obligation to insure the best for her older sister. I wish I could have said we met again, but as we parted for the night I knew deep in my heart that I would never again see Miss A; to be fair it wasn’t much of a loss, I doubt I need to be getting involved with anyone who has a family member that is touched, I am fortunate that the only depravity the touches my forbearers is my fathers deep and abiding love of drink.
Ate herself seems to be the only constant in my life, and I can’t express how much I want a love that is vibrant and tangible; and it seems that as soon as I can grasp my hands around such a beautiful thing, it escapes back to the vapors. I have seen what kindness meted out looks like, I have seen it my friend and desired it greatly for myself and I make no apologizes for that seemingly wanton act of hubris. My friend, I had seen such an enthralling display of tenderness at the surprise party my mother’s husband had held in her honor. The twenty participants of this conspiracy stood outside under the shade offered by the portico of my mother’s house; the sun was in its final descent towards dusk and despite that a sticky clinging heat lingered in the air. Ruben, despite his Iberian background can be perceived now as proper gentlemen who is fair, gregarious, and honest in his dealings, I can honestly say that I have only the fondest affections towards him and that he has never done me wrong, but he also is known for being a pistolero.
My mother was blindfolded when Ruben drove the carriage up towards the front of the house; he had told her some elaborate fantasy that a horticulturist had delivered some wondrous new tree, I admit the entire premise of deception sounded farcical to me but I am not interested in the art of husbandman at all so perhaps my judgment is fallible after all. When Ruben stepped down from atop his perch and opened the carriage door for my mother his face was beaming with jubilance; bringing his bronzed hand towards his lip he imparted towards us that he wished for silence. He walked locked arm with my mother towards the portico silently telling her that soon she could take off this blindfold. I studied his face intently and at no time was anything other then that look of love writ across it. That is a beautiful thing to witness, selfless love and at no point in my life do I feel I have encountered it.
I think I am going to the springs next week, perhaps the frigid water will be good for my constitution; I do tend to think that fresh country air can be beneficial for rejuvenating the sprits. I look forward to hearing your response, and tell me more about E_____ I do hope that you are treated well. We all deserve happiness but none more then you.
Respectfully yours,
D