The thought of saying fair well to Madame P had long been festering in my mind. Such a momentous decision is not something that I take lightly, because I feel such a great deal of internal conflict when forced to admit that a friendship is over. I grapple with this because it appears in the faulty logic of my heart that I have might have failed in some unimaginable way; I don’t think it’s the case in this instance but that strife remains lingering in my thinking. I am a pensive person and I try to take my invocation of fraternal love quite seriously and I find myself mulling over the question of what is a friend.
I don’t shy away from the fact that I can be occasionally governed by a black odious will, but aside from the numerous failings I have as a person I still feel that the quality of my character when cloaked in affection redeems me ever so slightly. I do try to be a person who is reliable, honest, and governed by a steadfast heart. I feel that if a person meets out those emotions they shall be returned in full measure. For my part I grateful to for the warmth of spirit that I can count on, I know full well about the fickle nature of existence and smile knowing that some good still lingers in the world. I know that if I had the need to talk about my burdens, I have people who are willing to listen. I would also accept that these friends know that I would be there for them as well, because friendship is really about acting in the best of our nature with out any want of reward. What I want out of a friendship is some level of closeness and reliability, I suspect that’s what most people want but seldom do we sit down with the circle of people that surround us and say what are we in this for. It’s quite remarkable when you think about it, because there is no concept of friendship in nature, only the cold merciless hand of a butcher; and while not every person acts with honest intent I believe very strongly that best of human nature is reflected in our selflessness.
When someone tells me that I am considered their closets friend in town I am going to believe that there is no guile behind their words because I would never so carelessly chose my words. Despite the fact that Madame P made such a bold proclamation I have not heard from her in months, and the communications that we have had has been initiated by my person. Yet the communication that we have shared increasingly felt like the sword of Damocles was swinging wildly over my head. If I had dared to speak with her I would earn a rebuke and her ire, because I had the nerve mind you to just check in with and see how things are going, and apparently that was not respecting her wishes to let her deal with the paralyzing grief she is encountering by herself. If I had failed to respond to some description of her sorrow I would earn a furious response. It wasn’t just one thing that lead to my dissatisfaction with her; but it was the realization that no matter how much I give as person that Madame P would not even return the smallest gesture of kindness. We all want our existence to be acknowledged and our thoughts validated but it becomes an exercise in frustration when we only celebrate the needs and whims of one. It ultimately came down to the notion that I could surround myself with a better caliber of person.
I do not for one second feel that it is unfortunate that our friendship has ended, because it really takes an honest effort by both parties for a successful rapport to be built. The gesture was made on my part, but not attempted on hers. I feel sorry that some one who I found to be so interesting once acts in such a churlish fashion. I suspect the real crime was thinking that my idea of friendship, which I perhaps I have done a poor job of expanding on was something she had a want of. I am not sour; I sent her a lovely response and released her into kindness, or as much kindness as I am capable of.
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