The big one

When I started this blog, I had every intention of exclusively keeping tracking of my thoughts while I work on a painting, I know am boorish but I feel the most alive while working and felt this would be a great medium in which I could share my joy. Yet I have run into two problems, first I am not that interesting of a person; in fact I am not nearly as smart and clever as I pretend to be and I lack that sort of Joseph Stalin charisma that would make people follow my particular brand of musings. The second problem is that my alleged art blog has been hijacked by the spurious state of my personal life, which is even less interesting then I make it seem. My god I whine and complain and I figure these banal orations are as much a chore to read as they are to write. Frankly they sound like a barely literate ranting of a high school student who is going through his first heart ache and he decided to share his “wisdom” with us all. Just absolute trite, and one thing that I find distasteful about people is when things become trite and redundant and you can scarcely imagine the self loathing I feel knowing what a horrid bore I have become in my old age. Despite these two setbacks I trudge onwards because after all what else am I going to blather on about, how lousy Avatar is? Better writers have done that already and I would add nothing new to the conversation.
This brings me back to the only thing it seems fate has deemed me capable of blathering about and that is the things that annoy me. I have been thinking about a prior post, and how I droned on in the most obvious of tones about what I felt friendship required and meant. I have been thinking about Madame P and how I now feel slightly regretful about telling her to essentially bugger off .On one hand I feel justified but I am annoyed by the nagging sense that that I have failed and I could have done more to “save” the friendship. I’m incensed with myself for feeling this way, because its further proof that I am constantly second guessing myself. I even went so far as to write back to Madame P:
…..I am sorry for both of us. From my perspective it is easy to see why I would feel this way, I am serious in all my dealings and my attempts at friendship were honest and sincere. Perhaps to honest because from your perspective they put some undue pressure on you, which was not my intent at all. I feel that when I am a friend to someone I try to be there, I want to be someone who is reliable, and I try to do that with all my friends. It's unfortunate that we both seem to feel the sword of damocles swinging above our respective heads. I have tried to be a good friend but felt only that my efforts were returned with ire while it seems that you feel I didn't respect your wishes. Despite the hastiness of my words I honestly would still like to count on your friendship, it is very rare for me to ever meet someone who can mantain my interest. But if it is not to be then it is not be. IF you feel the want to one day speak, then I shall be there, and if not such is life. Fate is fickle and ever changing, I wish you all the best regardless

What a Twat I am. I knew and continue to know that Madame P had no interest in me but I held a foolish hope in my mind that there was the possibility of my intent to be returned. Stranger things have happened and those are the sort of long odds I favor any way, my life hasn’t exactly gone on the trajectory I would have expected making some of the more impulsive behavior choices seem necessary. Having said that, I am of the mind that I miss the idea of her friendship more then the reality of her friendship; because in all honesty I don’t think she ever quite treated me right. She was curt and self absorbed, but despite her large failures as a person she had some great traits as well; she had a warm smile and a pleasant fragrance, and there was the potential for much kindness in her. That’s what I will miss more then any long winded sentence could ever describe is just how much potential for kindness she had and knowing that there will never be another opportunity to visit it. I miss sitting around and just being able to have an effortless conversation with her, I miss playing skip bo while talking about Beatrix Potter, I miss her laugh, but most of all I miss my friend.
Life is strange and bittersweet, I don’t know what tomorrow brings, and despite my misgiving about the things I have done I wouldn’t have it any other way. I guess what I am saying, keeping in mind that the “wisdom” I am sharing took six dull paragraphs to slog through and is about as subtle as a blow job in a men’s restroom is this; enjoy it.