The one in which our hero is filled with ennui

I am old enough where I am now wondering what legacy I am going to leave this world when my body is placed upon the pyre. I wonder when I enter the hall of my fathers would I be able to strut proudly through the doors or would I feel shame at a life unfulfilled. Maybe I think too much on legacy but I want to be able to say that I have no regrets and that I fulfilled my potential. That’s my dream at least, and I can say that I have one rather giant regret in my life.
I had applied twice to go to Scad and had been accepted each time as an undergraduate but I always seemed to back out. I think a great fear most people have is that of failing and that is the ultimately why I never had the chutzpah to follow my dream, I was afraid to fail. But as an adult I recognize there is something much worse then the fear of failure and that is to never try. I said I wouldn’t go because it cost too much money, and then I realized what rubbish that really is. This was a place I had wanted to go to, I can remember sitting in the presentation they had offered at the community college and just being floored. I even visited the school and felt like this was a place where I could have really grown as a person and an artist, and in the end I just looked for a way out. I can say that well my parents weren’t going to help me, and that’s true but I could have found a way to attend. Excuses are just that excuses, and sure its seems logical to say it costs money to go her but a price tag can’t be placed on something as precious as a real dream.
Although I wonder if I did go, would the reality destroy the dream I had or would I still find it to be a noble pursuit. I know that I can’t settle I have seen people compromise and just settle into the motion of their life. I don’t want that I want to be more then just some misanthropic state worker, I want to be me and fulfill in some small way my potential. I am quite disappointed with the choices that have lead me to where I am ate today, but I know that if the effort is made that it can be turned around.