A Christmas Wish

My Wife is really into Christmas and the assortment of decorating opportunities that go along with that holiday. I'm not.

Christmas decorations as far as I was used to extended to a tree, wreath, and a stocking.

My wife on the other hand has Christmas photos, Christmas books, Christmas Flatware, Christmas Glasses, mugs, napkins, books, and beddings.

Our first Christmas together this enterprise of themed items stuck me as weird, but as the seasons have changed and we have spent more time together as a family it strikes me as really strange.  None more so than the book thing. I can't think of owning but a scant handful of Christmas books and would never even think to have them locked away in storage only to be opened from the vault once a year.

One of the books my wife loved and wanted to share with me was The Donkey's Dream. Unfortunately this book has been lost to the ages, but thanks to the magic of the internet I got to experience it first hand.

Apparently its about a donkey who dreams about Jesus or something.

To be honest when the video was playing I had a game of Hearthstone going on. If you haven't played it yet, you need to drop everything and do so! It invokes the best part of CCGs, is simple, and addicitvly fun.

Anyway I'm sure that The Donkey's Dream is a good book.

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye for now

Don't look for new content on this blog it's done. Something else might come pop up later.

What makes me Happy

I wake up early in the morning before everyone else, that doesn’t make me happy. I would like to be next to me wife nestled next to her sleeping until the sun rises. That is not in the cards it seems, but when I wake up my wee son in inevitable up at the same time. I feel blessed in that regard picking him up, while he slowly adjusts from slumber to full awareness, his head rocking slowly back and forth as he tries to shake himself free from drowsiness. His eyes slowly open and a smile envelopes his face, that is what makes me feel so lucky. I love his smile how at first it is only a grin but quickly flowers into something more beautiful, his mouth hangs open, its shape almost triangular while a steady stream of slobber rolls down his face. He loves life so much which is truly infectious seeing his happiness and hearing the sound of his laugh manifest is something that I take with me to work every day.

Now with even more Dad thoughts

I have been thinking about the twists and turns life has taken and that maturing I have done as well.


I’d like to think that I was always a mature responsible old soul type of person, in many ways that is true; but, that hasn’t made me immune to stupidity. I have many glaring weaknesses as a person, in my own estimation it’s been how I have handled the romantic entanglements (or lack of) and my temper. Now in the narrative I have written I was always a sad sack who just couldn’t quite find the one. I bought into that for a long time, which in many ways shows the selfishness I have as a person. Thanks to the Doctor I see I’ve really gained some insight to my personality. It’s frightening really, shattering those illusions so closely held for so long but I don’t think I would be the person I am today if I didn’t shatter those illusions. In reality I was a person terrified of letting people into my life, would act in self destructive ways due to depression, and date people who wouldn’t recrpicate my feelings so that I could remain self-destructive and depressed. When put like that one sees how culpable I am to the situations I was in and not the innocent victim that I tried to present myself as.

I think really thanks to the wonders of therapy that I grew up in ways that I needed. I know that when I started dating my now wife that I was tired of fucking around, tired of games, tired of drama, I knew that I wanted something lasting which meant I needed to trust someone other than myself and open my heart to them.

When I hold my little son, I marvel at how much change I've made as a person. I’m still a conceited dick in many ways but having a family has made want to change in ways I was resistant to when I was enjoying my singlehood. I love my wife, I love my children, and I enjoy how rich my life has become.

More dad thoughts

I’m finding step fatherhood to be somewhat frustrating. It’s hard to admit that because it feels like an admission of failure on my part but it’s become very frustrating. It’s especially hard because I feel like I am alone and that no one has my back.


I don’t think it’s a case of my wife and I being two very different people (Technically we are, but I digress). I am certain we want the best for our children; we want them to be moral, responsible, productive members of society. I think we just have different ideas about how we should get there. I really believe that she doesn’t trust me with our oldest; it feels like there is this line that exists and no matter what I do I am never going to be able to cross it. I don’t know what I have to do to prove that I love our son and have his best interests at heart. The worst part is feeling like we fight all the time about this. It’s draining to me; I don’t like arguments because I just feel so bruised after them. I can’t describe the utter feeling of deflation that lingers day after we argue.



I love my wife. I love my sons. If I didn’t care about them I wouldn’t feel so hurt or frustrated by all this. My parents divorced when I was young, so I have no way to know what normal married behavior is, do couples have disagreements about these sorts of things. I want to provide a stable loving environment to my family. My nightmare is that this all goes tits up at some point. I don’t want that to happen, I don’t think I could survive if my family and I parted ways. They are the best thing to ever happen to me. I just want my wife to know that I love our children, and I want to do right by them. I wish I had stability when I was a kid, because I have nothing to draw on right now (other than depression and what not) and I hate the feeling that I am winging it.

Dad thoughts or how I learned to stop worrying and love malt liquor

My oldest son he misbehaves. For the most part he is a wonderful little boy, but at night he becomes a real rotter. I’m not going to go into the details, one day he might be curious enough about me to read my thoughts so I will spare that future child the embarrassment. I am discovering though, that being a step parent is much harder than I had initially thought it would be.


I don’t really know what I expected; my step dad came into our lives when I was in my teens and I remember really wanting a father type figure in my life. Initially I was pretty disappointed; I couldn’t understand why the guy didn’t really act like he wanted to do things with us. It really hurt when he chose to do things with his own kids and leave me and my brother out of any potential bond building. To be fair, as I exited teenagedom and entered adulthood we got along much better, and he is really someone who I value. Having said that, I remember what it was like to grow up without any type of positive male influence and I never wanted my son to feel that way. I try to involve him with everything I do; I try to have special moments with him the sort of things I don’t remember ever having. I thought if I did all those things it would work out and he would accept me or something. Then comes bed time, and I realize how much hard work it really is.

He told me he hates me. I said I don’t care. This is true to a certain extent. As a parent I don’t care if you hate me, my job is to be a parent and to make sure you become a fully functioning member of society. That doesn’t mean we can’t have fun, share things, or have a good time together, it just means I am a parent and can’t be your friend. I realize now that parenting rarely if ever has moments where people pat you on the back and say good job. I don’t know why I ever expected that but I sort of wanted my significant other to appreciate the job I am doing. It’s frustrating to me because part of me feels that no matter what she is never going to accept me as a parent to him. I think it takes a tremendous amount of trust to let anyone into your life when there are children involved, so I can understand the hesitance in letting someone who has never had children before have a stake in the development of a small child. I wish though, I had some way to express or both of them knew how much I really love the little guy. How I look forward to seeing him run towards the door at the day care saying my name as he comes to great me. I love hearing the sound of his laugh and I enjoy the excitement he has towards life. When he asks my opinion about the coolness or lameness of something I feel real pride, because on some level he really values me.

It’s all a power struggle I suppose; I’m some new element in his life and the recent marriage and birth of our child has to some extent upset the world he was used to. The acting out is his way of expressing his want for attention. Does he want mine? Does he want to know that this sort of new male influence in his life isn’t going away, does he want to know that I love him and that I think he is a wonderful person. I don’t know how to read the tealeaves which is equally frustrating. So yeah being a parent is hard. I never thought I would be the sort of person to read parenting websites and what not, but here I am. I want a healthy relationship with my son, I want a healthy stress free marriage. These are things I value , the hard work is rewarding but would it be such a bad thing if it was easier, come on fate.

Bad Art, Update

That Jon McNaughton has done it again he has created a work of such singular stupidity that words fail to impart the singular scope of his artistic failure. Last time I wrote about this jerg off I used diagrams and an inordinate amounts of words, I’m not going to do that again because all of the same problems that I went on about are still present in this latest work and his “message” is about as subtle as a blow to the head by blunt force. The Empowered Man is the latest in a series of grisly paintings that depict the utter indignity white America has had to face under the tyranny of the Obama administration. I have no real problem with wanting to put a message into a work of art, but when it’s so ham fisted and devoid of intellectual depth I can’t help but get angry. For starters I am entirely suspect when it comes to the whims of the tea party, I find most of their ideas repugnant and immoral and strongly suspect that the reason they have such malice towards the president is because he is black. When the last president “modified” the constitution with the patriot act where was this roving gang of miscreants then? When the last president ballooned the national debt where were the protests then, that’s right the freedom loving patriot branch of the Republican Party was silent because I’m sure there is a part of them that likes to imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever.


Now I admit that I have a certain amount of scorn felt towards the tea party, they very much strike me as the sorts of fanatics who see no problems with book burnings, I do try to be slightly apolitical but when artist is so overtly political and with a message so terrible I feel compelled to speak out against it. It’s really hard to objectively look at McNaughton’s work and not see the insipid message behind it; white people suffer and one day will rise again. Looking at his entire lily white body of work it’s hard to see anything that even remotely acknowledges the suffering of people of colour. I don’t expect a white Mormon to understand the appalling third world conditions that the Native Americans currently live under. I wouldn’t expect a white Mormon painter to understand or appreciate how black males have systematically been demonized and treated throughout the years as sub human. This isn’t an artist with enough empathy to acknowledge that the mouthpiece for the Republican Party; Fox News, paints any individual who utilizes a government safety net as a cockroach. Compassion is sorely lacking in his work, sure he certainly plays up the “Christian” angle but his message is one without depth and is by definition superficial. Painting Jesus does not automatically make a person devoutly Christian, if you are going to be a sincere in your beliefs then you need to take an example from Jesus and actively lead a life devoted to ending poverty and the suffering of the poor.

It’s very easy to wrap one’s self up in jingoism and religion, the tea party isn’t alone in doing this but certainly they seem to have the market cornered with the exuberance devoted to their particularly nasty brand of selfishness. What it comes down to is McNaughton is a selfish lazy creature who continues to spread the few vacant hate filled ideas that are tumbling around in his vacant head. In his “political” paintings he follows the popular tea party trope that the greatest threat to America is a black man. There is an undeniable undercurrent of racism that populates his work, his last painting had Obama burning the constitution and now in his latest masterpiece we find a white man being cast once again as the savior. In his entirety of his work one theme becomes clear that only the only person who can keep America safe from threats external and internal is a white man; which just so happens to be the same line of hogwash that the Koch brothers would have you believe. I don’t necessarily believe that all members of the tea party are foaming at the mouth racists, but the backers and founders of these organizations are certainly creative in the use of coded language. Maybe they do love their country and are wholly misguided, I see them as jabbering anti intellectuals devoted to living a life unexamined; I drew this conclusion primarily based on the insane belief that public education and universities are a bad thing and that the exposure to new ideas is detrimental to the moral fiber of this county. Misguided doesn’t equal evil, it’s just lazy, but I have always felt that apathy is one of the greatest sins a person can commit. Continuing to rage about a person and saying that he is inhuman, that his parents fucked dogs, that he is the antichrist, that he is the cause of all of the world's problems is a cheep straw man argument.

I think McNaughton feels he is spreading the "truth" and trying to wake people up. I think art should be used like that, but I find that the artist and the message shared are a truth that says personal reflection is not need, perpetial white victimhood is the norm, and accountablity not needed becuase its always the black guys fault.